A List of Things to Be Afraid of

My psychiatrist always told me that mania is a mentalthis with an orgasmic game of scrabble, fuck parties,
illness. In my humble opinion, after the many yearsheroin, or plenty of alcohol is your decision. I've done
I've spent on this shithole of a planet, anyone whoall as a means of associating with my friends, and I
still experiences bouts of sanity after seeing the shithave to tell you, scrabble fuckin' sucks. It really is
that goes on around them suffers from mental illness.good to spend time with people that you can
I've pushed myself through so much shit that there'sassociate with. It's absolutely necessary. It is in these
just got to be some damage to those delicate thinkmoments of profound intoxication, forgetfulness, and
organs. All too often, there would be secret murmurssheer bliss that you get such beautiful exchanges as,
from a deep conscience, "just hold through this... one"I'll sell you my soul for a shwill of that beer... and not
day, things will be better..." We're all insane; it's allthe bottom part of the beer, either..." to things as
really just a matter of the degree.Item #1. Neverinteresting as, "I really need to stop killing people; this
forget... the misery you've had to pull through, likeshit is really cutting in to my schedule..." I'd make
wadding through some shit swamp.So, I've started aanother item, not to forget your friends and to
list. A list of things to remember. Because, as hopealways be there for them, but that's a part of item
springs eternal, my little mental notes will one day#5. Actually, to make sure I don't forget...Item #5.
fade out; that will just be my brain making room forSub-clause. Never forget... to be there for your
alcoholism and disrespectful habits towards my bestfriends when they need you.There have been some
friends. One day, I'll be satisfied. There will be goodgood friends, some bad friends, and not in any way
friends all around, a good career doing whatever (Iyou might recognize. My best friend introduced me to
'unno... I'm thinking mechanic or some such), andheroin, and that's not why he's my best friend. And,
plenty of good times to be had. And, in that future,one of the greatest friends I ever had (who I'd like
that dream I stumble on when I cruise theseto think was never my friend), is now my worst
sidewalks, I imagine there will be plenty of things Ienemy. It was because he sided with my family
forget. Among those, there is this: the shitty miserymembers when they tried to have an intervention on
I've been through. I'm sure that the working classmy drinking. I agreed to listen, so long as I could drink
proletariat don't need to be told what my life hasBacardi... and so long as someone else was paying for
consisted of. Nine to five jobs, those lovely fewit. That fucker. He was all like, "I don't think that's a
months of unemployment when it seems thatgood idea that you drink at all." It was his
nobody will hire you, approximately five hundred "justdisagreement to Bacardi, his opposition that gave my
one more time" heroin uses, a note or two aboutfamily more negotiating leverage. I finally did make a
love delivered via bar napkin... Poetic, sure, but miserydeal for a six-pack of generic beer, in exchange for
is poetic. One day, I just want to be 100%listening time. But still, if I could have gotten a bottle
sedate.Item #2. Never forget... when you're in love,of Bacardi, that would have been the coolest
you can't trust yourself.This is a valuable lesson. And,intervention of my life. And for that reason,
lessons as they are, this one ought to be valued.Joe-Bob-Bill (whatever) is now my worst enemy.
Sure, people will tell you, "Yeah, she fucked youThis, devoted and trusting reader, brings me to my
over, but at least you learned from it." But thennext item.Item #6. Never forget... to completely
again, few people only learn their lesson when thedistrust your family.There are a few sub-clauses,
broken end of a vodka bottle rips through their face.amendments, and "what if" altercations that come
Wait, I think it was a gin bottle... Yeah, it had to be.along with this item, but I'm sure that I'll be able to
That was her flavor. We were sitting on the couch,fully recall them all if I ever need this list of things to
drinking, television, insert typical setting component.remember for advice. I don't really know what the
My memory of the incident isn't too great. I mostlysituation is, you know, different cultures all around
remember the police officer asking me, "Can you seethe globe with different values and different family
me? How many fingers am I holding up?" For somerelationships, and the way people even in America
reason, my mind felt like it had calculated thehave learned to evolve and change things. I really do
situation with complete efficiency, and that the replythink that your family's implied impressions of you can
I was giving fit like a puzzle piece. "Don't worry! I'lltruly take a very degenerating toll on your mind. For
show you how to tape the super bowl... That VCRso long, you've been at their mercy. Prejudices,
was never really good. We were planning on gettingbigotry, hatreds, loves, inadequacies expressed
it replaced anyway..." The officer asked me thethrough rage and violence... All of this is passed to
question one more time, then called for anyou, not just by genes (if by genes at all), but by
ambulence. The last thing I remember, she was beingthe way your family acted and behaved when you
dragged away in handcuffs, fighting and screaming. Iwere just a young tot. I've come to the very clear
caught something like, "Fuck you! I never fuckingconclusion that your family cannot be trusted. The
loved you! This was all your fault!" After that, it's allnatural, mental process, the one that tells you to
blank. When I got back out of the hospital and camealways respect and honor your parents' opinion, you
to collect my things (heh), the neighbor told me:have to interject that with, "They're lying to you." It
"Yeah, you sort of laid down after she was draggedneeds to become instinct. So, when you get
away... You kept saying, 'oh god, oh god,' and stuffsomething like, "I think you have a drinking problem,"
like that. Oh, yeah, and you started crying and wereyour conscience needs to react: "They're lying to
like, 'I just need to lay down, please...' Man, youyou." Then, you can reply, "Drinking problem? I call
must've been wasted." Oh, that reminds me...Item #3.this a drinking solution. Ha! I made you look stupid."
Never forget... to get a copy of that police report.I'mThis instinct needs to act like a filter. So, you can
always curious what the real deal was with that. Whohear a family member say, "Hey, I think your
the fuck knows... Maybe there's a small piece ofgirlfriend is violent and you should break up," your
wisdom I left behind. Something cliche like, "At 4:30conscience goes off sending you a warning, and then
A.M., the victim kept repeating the phrase 'you haveyour brain processes: "Hhhmmmm, they could be
to remember... you can do anything you want to.'"right." But, I've already got crazy, psychotic girlfriends
Once I get the police report (I really can't afford $10covered in item #2.Item #7. Never forget... to not call
a page right now), I'm sure that I'll be wealthy andyour landlord a "cuntfuck" unless you have a
with friends, and that little bit of wisdom is going tolease.This item is rather self-explanatory.Item #8.
go a long way. I mean, shit, it might be somethingNever forget... to forget everything you learned in
that's not so cliche. It might be something practical. Ischool.I'm sure that few people would disagree with
could really go for a, "Hey, you should really checkme on this point. Children are herded in to these
out this jazz album the cops recommended," orenormous buildings. You can't piss without permission.
something like, "Vodka and beer don't mix well." I'mYou can't walk without permission. Those who are
pretty sure I won't get something like, "When you'reindependent are punished. It's not education. Real
in love, you can't trust yourself." That is going to beeducation elevates your mind and creates
etched in to my brain for quite a few years. Yeah,independence for you. When you can't piss without
that's not long enough; hence, this list. Besides, fuckan authoritative figure's nod, you're nothing more
that neighbor. I bet I held up a little better than hethan a fuckin' slave. Forget everything you've learned.
describes.Item #4. Never forget... you cannot outdrinkThose stereotypes you picked up between smoking
any of the gang members from Hell's Angels.This, Iweed in the bathroom and juggling numbers in class,
would like to think, was actually one of the highlightsthat style of living that has you cowering in fear... I
of my life. I mean, how many people get to talkcould go on and on. Facts are facts, and this will
about the time they actually got beat down by aalways ring true: if you can't forget what you learn
motorcycle gang? And not just any motorcycle gang.from school, you'll be cursed for life. Everything from
The Hell's Angels. It started with a bar, a motorcycleyour career to your family and your relationships.
gang (Hell's Angels, yes yes), and five gallons ofFuck school. If you have any respect for it, then
cheap vodka. It seemed that I became drunk,stay the fuck away from me.Item #9. Never forget...
beligerent, etc., one of them insulted me, and I justthere's always time to change.I suppose that's the
swung. Like my past experiences with violence, eitherultimate point of this of this list. When I look through
there was so much alcohol and drugs or the violencethese items, I remember every time I've made a
was so excessive, that most of the memories of thepersonal resolution, a commandment to myself. And,
incident are blurred. Fortunately, I am told, I didn't geteverytime I think of those resolutions, I think about
killed, which was a real risk, I guess. But, fuck that.the moments I abandon them. They seem like
Any time you can't -- oh, wait, this should be thedifficult moments. I hear echoes of family, telling me,
next item...Item #5. Never forget... any time you're"That's because you never finish anything you start,"
afraid of doing something, just because you might dieor maybe I'm looking at a police officer through the
afterwards, is a time that you officially have labelledbars of a holding cell, listening to the same old
yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk and think aboutargument: "I didn't have to bring you in here, but I
the decision you've made.Actually, fuck that. I don'tdid." For every promise that I've made to myself and
need a reminder for that. Maybe I need a reminderbroken, I've made another promise. I guess that's
on like, getting regular therapy to treat that ideal.why I've labelled this, "A List of Things to Be Afraid
But, a reminder for that? Fuck it. Scratch that fuckerof." Right now, I think I'm going to go out to the bar
off...Item #5. Never forget... anytime you're afraid ofwith my friends, see if I can outdrink anyone, and
doing something, just because you might diesee if I can fall in love with some stranger. If anyone
afterwards, is a time that you officially have labelledever finds this list, I'll make sure to tell them, "Don't
yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk and think abouttake that advice to heart, kid... Living life like that just
the decision you've made. (I suck. I can't believe Iisn't worth it." To all the mistakes I've made, I
wrote this... sub-item #5: get therapy, heh.)Item #5.suppose the hardest thing I have to learn is that I
Never forget... always make time to get wasted withcan always change. Life,Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff)
your friends.This is an important note. Any lengthyhas been writing essays and poetry on social issues
amount of time during life that does not includewhich have caught his attention for several years. His
getting off in some way or form will first burn, tear,website provides a complete list of all of these
rip, and eventually destroy you. If at any time, youwritings. His life experience includes homelessness,
think you've been sober for far too long, immediatelysquating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high
take a ride to the nearest liquor store and get someschool, getting expelled from college for "subversive
booze. Friends are a plus in this situation. Even if youactivities," and a myriad of other revolutionary
have to fuckin' mark it on your calendar, make sureactions.
you gets wasted with your friends. Whether you do