| My psychiatrist always told me that mania is a mental | | | | this with an orgasmic game of scrabble, fuck parties, |
| illness. In my humble opinion, after the many years | | | | heroin, or plenty of alcohol is your decision. I've done |
| I've spent on this shithole of a planet, anyone who | | | | all as a means of associating with my friends, and I |
| still experiences bouts of sanity after seeing the shit | | | | have to tell you, scrabble fuckin' sucks. It really is |
| that goes on around them suffers from mental illness. | | | | good to spend time with people that you can |
| I've pushed myself through so much shit that there's | | | | associate with. It's absolutely necessary. It is in these |
| just got to be some damage to those delicate think | | | | moments of profound intoxication, forgetfulness, and |
| organs. All too often, there would be secret murmurs | | | | sheer bliss that you get such beautiful exchanges as, |
| from a deep conscience, "just hold through this... one | | | | "I'll sell you my soul for a shwill of that beer... and not |
| day, things will be better..." We're all insane; it's all | | | | the bottom part of the beer, either..." to things as |
| really just a matter of the degree.Item #1. Never | | | | interesting as, "I really need to stop killing people; this |
| forget... the misery you've had to pull through, like | | | | shit is really cutting in to my schedule..." I'd make |
| wadding through some shit swamp.So, I've started a | | | | another item, not to forget your friends and to |
| list. A list of things to remember. Because, as hope | | | | always be there for them, but that's a part of item |
| springs eternal, my little mental notes will one day | | | | #5. Actually, to make sure I don't forget...Item #5. |
| fade out; that will just be my brain making room for | | | | Sub-clause. Never forget... to be there for your |
| alcoholism and disrespectful habits towards my best | | | | friends when they need you.There have been some |
| friends. One day, I'll be satisfied. There will be good | | | | good friends, some bad friends, and not in any way |
| friends all around, a good career doing whatever (I | | | | you might recognize. My best friend introduced me to |
| 'unno... I'm thinking mechanic or some such), and | | | | heroin, and that's not why he's my best friend. And, |
| plenty of good times to be had. And, in that future, | | | | one of the greatest friends I ever had (who I'd like |
| that dream I stumble on when I cruise these | | | | to think was never my friend), is now my worst |
| sidewalks, I imagine there will be plenty of things I | | | | enemy. It was because he sided with my family |
| forget. Among those, there is this: the shitty misery | | | | members when they tried to have an intervention on |
| I've been through. I'm sure that the working class | | | | my drinking. I agreed to listen, so long as I could drink |
| proletariat don't need to be told what my life has | | | | Bacardi... and so long as someone else was paying for |
| consisted of. Nine to five jobs, those lovely few | | | | it. That fucker. He was all like, "I don't think that's a |
| months of unemployment when it seems that | | | | good idea that you drink at all." It was his |
| nobody will hire you, approximately five hundred "just | | | | disagreement to Bacardi, his opposition that gave my |
| one more time" heroin uses, a note or two about | | | | family more negotiating leverage. I finally did make a |
| love delivered via bar napkin... Poetic, sure, but misery | | | | deal for a six-pack of generic beer, in exchange for |
| is poetic. One day, I just want to be 100% | | | | listening time. But still, if I could have gotten a bottle |
| sedate.Item #2. Never forget... when you're in love, | | | | of Bacardi, that would have been the coolest |
| you can't trust yourself.This is a valuable lesson. And, | | | | intervention of my life. And for that reason, |
| lessons as they are, this one ought to be valued. | | | | Joe-Bob-Bill (whatever) is now my worst enemy. |
| Sure, people will tell you, "Yeah, she fucked you | | | | This, devoted and trusting reader, brings me to my |
| over, but at least you learned from it." But then | | | | next item.Item #6. Never forget... to completely |
| again, few people only learn their lesson when the | | | | distrust your family.There are a few sub-clauses, |
| broken end of a vodka bottle rips through their face. | | | | amendments, and "what if" altercations that come |
| Wait, I think it was a gin bottle... Yeah, it had to be. | | | | along with this item, but I'm sure that I'll be able to |
| That was her flavor. We were sitting on the couch, | | | | fully recall them all if I ever need this list of things to |
| drinking, television, insert typical setting component. | | | | remember for advice. I don't really know what the |
| My memory of the incident isn't too great. I mostly | | | | situation is, you know, different cultures all around |
| remember the police officer asking me, "Can you see | | | | the globe with different values and different family |
| me? How many fingers am I holding up?" For some | | | | relationships, and the way people even in America |
| reason, my mind felt like it had calculated the | | | | have learned to evolve and change things. I really do |
| situation with complete efficiency, and that the reply | | | | think that your family's implied impressions of you can |
| I was giving fit like a puzzle piece. "Don't worry! I'll | | | | truly take a very degenerating toll on your mind. For |
| show you how to tape the super bowl... That VCR | | | | so long, you've been at their mercy. Prejudices, |
| was never really good. We were planning on getting | | | | bigotry, hatreds, loves, inadequacies expressed |
| it replaced anyway..." The officer asked me the | | | | through rage and violence... All of this is passed to |
| question one more time, then called for an | | | | you, not just by genes (if by genes at all), but by |
| ambulence. The last thing I remember, she was being | | | | the way your family acted and behaved when you |
| dragged away in handcuffs, fighting and screaming. I | | | | were just a young tot. I've come to the very clear |
| caught something like, "Fuck you! I never fucking | | | | conclusion that your family cannot be trusted. The |
| loved you! This was all your fault!" After that, it's all | | | | natural, mental process, the one that tells you to |
| blank. When I got back out of the hospital and came | | | | always respect and honor your parents' opinion, you |
| to collect my things (heh), the neighbor told me: | | | | have to interject that with, "They're lying to you." It |
| "Yeah, you sort of laid down after she was dragged | | | | needs to become instinct. So, when you get |
| away... You kept saying, 'oh god, oh god,' and stuff | | | | something like, "I think you have a drinking problem," |
| like that. Oh, yeah, and you started crying and were | | | | your conscience needs to react: "They're lying to |
| like, 'I just need to lay down, please...' Man, you | | | | you." Then, you can reply, "Drinking problem? I call |
| must've been wasted." Oh, that reminds me...Item #3. | | | | this a drinking solution. Ha! I made you look stupid." |
| Never forget... to get a copy of that police report.I'm | | | | This instinct needs to act like a filter. So, you can |
| always curious what the real deal was with that. Who | | | | hear a family member say, "Hey, I think your |
| the fuck knows... Maybe there's a small piece of | | | | girlfriend is violent and you should break up," your |
| wisdom I left behind. Something cliche like, "At 4:30 | | | | conscience goes off sending you a warning, and then |
| A.M., the victim kept repeating the phrase 'you have | | | | your brain processes: "Hhhmmmm, they could be |
| to remember... you can do anything you want to.'" | | | | right." But, I've already got crazy, psychotic girlfriends |
| Once I get the police report (I really can't afford $10 | | | | covered in item #2.Item #7. Never forget... to not call |
| a page right now), I'm sure that I'll be wealthy and | | | | your landlord a "cuntfuck" unless you have a |
| with friends, and that little bit of wisdom is going to | | | | lease.This item is rather self-explanatory.Item #8. |
| go a long way. I mean, shit, it might be something | | | | Never forget... to forget everything you learned in |
| that's not so cliche. It might be something practical. I | | | | school.I'm sure that few people would disagree with |
| could really go for a, "Hey, you should really check | | | | me on this point. Children are herded in to these |
| out this jazz album the cops recommended," or | | | | enormous buildings. You can't piss without permission. |
| something like, "Vodka and beer don't mix well." I'm | | | | You can't walk without permission. Those who are |
| pretty sure I won't get something like, "When you're | | | | independent are punished. It's not education. Real |
| in love, you can't trust yourself." That is going to be | | | | education elevates your mind and creates |
| etched in to my brain for quite a few years. Yeah, | | | | independence for you. When you can't piss without |
| that's not long enough; hence, this list. Besides, fuck | | | | an authoritative figure's nod, you're nothing more |
| that neighbor. I bet I held up a little better than he | | | | than a fuckin' slave. Forget everything you've learned. |
| describes.Item #4. Never forget... you cannot outdrink | | | | Those stereotypes you picked up between smoking |
| any of the gang members from Hell's Angels.This, I | | | | weed in the bathroom and juggling numbers in class, |
| would like to think, was actually one of the highlights | | | | that style of living that has you cowering in fear... I |
| of my life. I mean, how many people get to talk | | | | could go on and on. Facts are facts, and this will |
| about the time they actually got beat down by a | | | | always ring true: if you can't forget what you learn |
| motorcycle gang? And not just any motorcycle gang. | | | | from school, you'll be cursed for life. Everything from |
| The Hell's Angels. It started with a bar, a motorcycle | | | | your career to your family and your relationships. |
| gang (Hell's Angels, yes yes), and five gallons of | | | | Fuck school. If you have any respect for it, then |
| cheap vodka. It seemed that I became drunk, | | | | stay the fuck away from me.Item #9. Never forget... |
| beligerent, etc., one of them insulted me, and I just | | | | there's always time to change.I suppose that's the |
| swung. Like my past experiences with violence, either | | | | ultimate point of this of this list. When I look through |
| there was so much alcohol and drugs or the violence | | | | these items, I remember every time I've made a |
| was so excessive, that most of the memories of the | | | | personal resolution, a commandment to myself. And, |
| incident are blurred. Fortunately, I am told, I didn't get | | | | everytime I think of those resolutions, I think about |
| killed, which was a real risk, I guess. But, fuck that. | | | | the moments I abandon them. They seem like |
| Any time you can't -- oh, wait, this should be the | | | | difficult moments. I hear echoes of family, telling me, |
| next item...Item #5. Never forget... any time you're | | | | "That's because you never finish anything you start," |
| afraid of doing something, just because you might die | | | | or maybe I'm looking at a police officer through the |
| afterwards, is a time that you officially have labelled | | | | bars of a holding cell, listening to the same old |
| yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk and think about | | | | argument: "I didn't have to bring you in here, but I |
| the decision you've made.Actually, fuck that. I don't | | | | did." For every promise that I've made to myself and |
| need a reminder for that. Maybe I need a reminder | | | | broken, I've made another promise. I guess that's |
| on like, getting regular therapy to treat that ideal. | | | | why I've labelled this, "A List of Things to Be Afraid |
| But, a reminder for that? Fuck it. Scratch that fucker | | | | of." Right now, I think I'm going to go out to the bar |
| off...Item #5. Never forget... anytime you're afraid of | | | | with my friends, see if I can outdrink anyone, and |
| doing something, just because you might die | | | | see if I can fall in love with some stranger. If anyone |
| afterwards, is a time that you officially have labelled | | | | ever finds this list, I'll make sure to tell them, "Don't |
| yourself as a pussy. Go get drunk and think about | | | | take that advice to heart, kid... Living life like that just |
| the decision you've made. (I suck. I can't believe I | | | | isn't worth it." To all the mistakes I've made, I |
| wrote this... sub-item #5: get therapy, heh.)Item #5. | | | | suppose the hardest thing I have to learn is that I |
| Never forget... always make time to get wasted with | | | | can always change. Life,Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) |
| your friends.This is an important note. Any lengthy | | | | has been writing essays and poetry on social issues |
| amount of time during life that does not include | | | | which have caught his attention for several years. His |
| getting off in some way or form will first burn, tear, | | | | website provides a complete list of all of these |
| rip, and eventually destroy you. If at any time, you | | | | writings. His life experience includes homelessness, |
| think you've been sober for far too long, immediately | | | | squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high |
| take a ride to the nearest liquor store and get some | | | | school, getting expelled from college for "subversive |
| booze. Friends are a plus in this situation. Even if you | | | | activities," and a myriad of other revolutionary |
| have to fuckin' mark it on your calendar, make sure | | | | actions. |
| you gets wasted with your friends. Whether you do | | | | |